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Why I Know We Must Forgive
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Not long ago, some people hurt me. Not just me, but my family.
These people started off as partners in a work setting, and our professional relationships escalated into friendships. Over the years, we celebrated milestones: births, fundraising goals, and beating sicknesses. We mourned deaths and walked through illnesses with their families. We thought we knew them. We trusted them.
Over time, due to workplace matters, the relationships became strained, and some people in the group decided to take actions that were less than admirable. The end result was feelings of betrayal and severed relationships.
As I agonized over the fallout, I grappled for understanding. I couldn’t figure out how people who claimed to love us, who claimed to love Christ, could treat fellow Christians in such a way. I was mad at several people—five to be exact—but one more so than the rest. He was the one in leadership who had the power to stand up for us, but he didn’t. The result was an extremely hard time in the life of my family, due to job loss. I was furious, and I wanted an apology.
Our attempts to sit down and work through all that had happened, in order to reach an understanding about why things played out the way they did, were always to no avail. He wouldn’t admit any wrong and said that what happened was “God’s will.” This sentiment infuriated me because, in my eyes, it was a way for him to relinquish all responsibility.
As the days passed by, my heart grew harder. I became short with people, especially other Christians.
I talked through it with a friend one day, and she said, “You feel entitled. You think these people should treat you a certain way.” She was absolutely right. I felt justified in my entitlement, because the Word tells us to treat all people well, especially those who belong to the household of faith. But it also says that we should love those who treat us badly. We should forgive those who use us. We should pray for them and not allow our hearts to become hardened. I wasn’t doing any of that. I had no control over how they acted, but I had total control over how I responded. However, instead of responding with love, I was stewing in bitterness, waiting on apologies and explanations. As a result, I was the only one suffering. For months, I was preoccupied with the whole ordeal, and it was affecting every aspect of my life. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t extend grace to anyone. I couldn’t even sleep well.
As much as I yearned for it, I’ll never get an explanation or apology, because the man I held responsible died a few weeks ago. As others spoke of the great positive impact he’d had on them and posted tributes to his life on social media, all I could think about was my personal experience with him. He hurt me. He hurt us. And he never took responsibility.
When I learned of his death, I wasn’t sure how I felt. I walked around for a few days, sorting out my emotions, trying to figure out how to move on. I realized, starkly, that at this point, the healing of my heart was all up to me. I knew this in theory before, but now it was time for theory to become action.
One scripture that sticks out to me is Luke 23:34. Christ himself is on the cross, and after days of torture and betrayal, fighting for every breath, bleeding and mangled, he prays in regard to his executors, “Father, forgive them; they don’t know what they’re doing.”
The truth is, unless we want to be bitter, unless we want to be so focused on our pain that we can’t focus on our families, our health, and our talents because unforgiveness is eating us alive, we have to forgive. Unforgiveness doesn’t lend us any power or answers; all it does is make us unhealthy. We have to forgive, because:
1. We’re called to as believers.
Forgiveness is the very foundation of faith in Christ. To come to God, you have to be forgiven. When we think about how a perfect God is willing to forgive any and everything of any and everybody, who are we to think that we can’t forgive?
2. Bitterness destroys our health.
Some doctors claim that the effects unforgiveness has on the body are equivalent to smoking. It causes anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and heart problems, among many other ailments. And while we’re suffering health-wise, those who offended us are oftentimes frolicking through life with no worries, which makes us even more upset, and so, the cycle continues. The only option is to let go and break the cycle.
3.We lose faith in people.
1 Corinthians 13 says that love believes all things, which essentially means we believe that people are worthy of love. In my bitterness, I was just waiting for people to mess up so I could say, “See? People ain’t about nothing.” Certainly not a sentiment of love. My attitude made me feel superior. Unforgiveness filled me with pride, and God can’t do anything with a lofty heart.
So what’d I do? I let go. I don’t know the motivation behind everything that went on, and truthfully, I don’t need to know. When I look at the big picture, that job loss led my family and I to a place I’ve wanted to live for years. As a result, I can’t count the opportunities that have presented themselves, the fresh new relationships we’re cultivating, the satisfaction we get from grinding to restore the damage of unemployment, and the fun we’re having because of the bustling city in which we live. God brought beauty from ashes, but I had too much smoke in my eyes to notice.
When people hurt us, they may not know the extent of what they’re doing. They can’t always see how their actions or inaction trickles into so many capillaries of your life. Even if they hurt you maliciously and seemingly have full knowledge of their intended malice, they don’t know how God’s vengeance is coming or how they’ll reap what they’ll sow, and it’s grace and mercy which cause us to be concerned with the consequences they’ll suffer because of their behavior. These things are reflections of Christ, himself. I encourage you today to forgive. It’s a process, but start where you are. Talk to a confidential, trusted source. Verbalize your forgiveness. Do something helpful for your offender. Pray for them. We’re never called to do anything that the very power of God can’t do in us, so put that power to work and take the first steps to freedom.